Not a puppy
by PadyandMoony
Summary: Kate finds out that three months is a long time, and expecting everything to be just the way she left it is pretty unrealistic. A Castle isn't willing to forgive and forget when Kate reappears in Rise. NOT FOR BECKETT LOVERS.
1. Heat isn't rising

**Summary:** Kate finds out that three months is a long time, and expecting everything to be just the way she left it is pretty unrealistic. A Castle isn't willing to forgive and forget when Kate reappears in Rise. NOT FOR BECKETT LOVERS.

**Warnings:** My stories are **NOT FOR BECKETT LOVERS.** I am not bashing her, but I am discussing her flaws and hurtful actions that were not discussed on the show. I do not do the same for Castle because his hurtful actions were hashed and rehashed on the show repeatedly. I want to find a balance. No one is perfect, but no one is so imperfect either. No one should get automatic passes just because. So, in my stories I discuss exactly that. I discuss situations where Beckett got free passes while she shouldn't have. I also discuss the double standards. Things that give Beckett certain rights on the show but where the same does not apply to other characters. Or things that condemn Castle, but when Beckett does them are completely dismissed. So, if you can't read a criticism towards Beckett without being offended. Stop, don't go ahead. You've been warned.

**"****Not a puppy"**

**Chapter 1 – Heat isn't rising**

"Josh help you with that?"

"We broke up," and she turned around and started walking away. Rick looked at her retreating back, shook his head and muttered:

"Typical," and turned around and to the subway.

Hours later, there was a knock on his door and he opened to see Beckett, he turned down, picked up the box he had separated - he had texted Ryan to come pick it up and was actually expecting him - and forced it onto Beckett who, shocked, grabbed the box.

"There, you didn't need to bother yourself, Ryan was coming by after his shift."

"What is this?" she asked even though she had a pretty good idea.

"The only reason you came looking for me," he said simply. "We both know it wasn't for me," he stated simply and started closing the door.

Shocked she forced herself into the apartment before he could close the door and dumped the box on the floor. "That is not why I came looking for you-"

"Spare me the new lie Beckett. Ryan texted me telling me they'd told you I had the files," he said annoyed.

"And you left in the middle of our talk!" she cried exasperated.

He turned around so sharply she took a step back instinctively.

"I left?" he hissed. "No, don't blame your actions on me. You are the one who turned around and ran in the middle of a conversation. What did you expect from me? That I'd stand there waiting to see if you decided to come back? Oh, wait, I forgot, that's exactly what I am supposed to do right?"

"I crossed the street to the park," she snapped annoyed crossing her arms. "You were supposed to follow me."

"Well sorry, last time I checked I can't read minds, no matter how much you think I should," he snapped back.

"I don't expect you to read minds…"

"Except you do," he ignored her once again mocking her. "You spend a month humiliating me and making sure I get a front view of your PDA with your new partner and boyfriend, and when I decide to finally have some self-respect and move on, I should have read your mind that you had finally decided to give me a chance that second, despite you rejecting my offer twice and not saying anything, and get appropriately punished for not doing so."

"Wha- I-" she asked confused.

"Ryan felt sorry for me, you know, being the only one you weren't responding to texts or calls, not to mention that apparently he's been feeling guilty for shooting me, as he should, for a year, and finally cracked and apologized," he crossed his arms defensively. "Explained why everyone was so pissed even though any one of you could have called me too, since I didn't do that thing, what was that?" he tapped his chin in a mock of thoughtful pondering, "Oh, yeah, made anyone promise they wouldn't call until I decided I was well and ready. No, that was someone else in this room," he circled his finger in the air.

"Look, I had a lot to deal with," she tried to make him see reason. He was being ridiculous.

"Of course, you got shot, and you were all alone, right?!" he asked forcedly. "It's not like I saw the love of my life die in front of me from a bullet I wasn't fast enough to take, and had nightmares of you being dead that were so vivid that at times I spent whole days sure that I had imagined the visit in the hospital, especially with everyone tip-toeing and avoiding your name," that shocked her into silence. He had nightmares? The thought that her shooting could have affected him had never crossed her mind. "Or Alexis and Mother saw us both going down not knowing which one had been shot, or your father saw his only daughter being shot in front of him to the same case that had already cost him his wife. And it's not like anyone in that funeral had just lost their Captain, or I knew that he was dead and you'd been shot because of me - thank you for making sure to tell me that the only time you allowed me to see you, you know, there was like a one in a trillionth chance that I might have forgotten that for a second, so good job," she shook her head silently because of course none of that was his fault. How could he think that? She conveniently ignore his statement that she was the one to tell him that. "No, absolutely not, you were the only one going through a tough time and having a lot to deal with," he finished mockingly and then his face went hard. "Stop the bullshit! You didn't want to have to deal with me, we were over, and I was refusing to get the message and you ghosted me and were thwarted by the fact that I had the file."

"That's not true, I was dealing with stuff, I didn't' think that anyone else was-"

"You told me we were over in your apartment and I somehow convinced myself that you said that in the heat of the moment, that everything had changed-"

"I did-"

"That's me, stupid, funniest kid in the school and not enough, never enough," he continued not letting her get more than a few words edgewise. "But then Gates set me straight when I tried to muscle myself back in after she made sure to humiliate me in front of the whole precinct. Because that's me. The idiot in love who thought if I was just there when you came back, you'd finally see me. But then she showed me. The request, by your hand, in Montgomery files and with your signature, to terminate the partnership. You don't write out a request to terminate something by hand on the heat of the moment. So, I finally wised up and saw your silence for what you were telling me loud and clear. You don't love me, and you never will. You probably hate me, with good reason. After all, I did kill the captain and got you shot. But even with that I thought maybe I deserved better than you coming here and pretending to want anything to do with me just because you want your files. I'd never deny you them. Hold them hostage. You could have just asked one of the boys to pick them up."

Beckett was shaking her head, no, no, no. How could he have gotten, no convinced himself, he was absolutely convinced, of something so wrong. She did this and she had no idea how to fix this FUBAR situation. She was about to say something to make him see that the memory of him and the knowledge of his love was what got her through her recovery. That he was wrong, he wasn't responsible for her shooting or the Captain's death. How could he think that? When she heard an angry voice.

"What is she doing here?" and when she turned to the open door, she saw something she never thought she would see. The girl who had always treated her with reverence looked at her as if she was something disgusting, pure hatred in her gaze.

"She came for her files," Castle answered simply as if that was obvious.

"Of course," Alexis snorted in disgust, crossing her arms angrily. "God forbid the world doesn't revolve around Kate Beckett."

"Alexis…" Castle warned her and Kate wasn't sure he was protecting her from his daughter's wrath or just being a parent and scolding his daughter for her attitude.

"No dad. After how she treated you all these months, and before-" wait, what, before? "she has the gall to show up here for the files. Wow, that's what I call a person who is so self-centered they are completely incapable of showing even a little human decency."

"What, no- that's not- I'm decent." Yes, Castle extolled her humanitarian virtues several times over the years, how could Alexis believe she was selfish?

"A decent person would have saved my dad, who's been working very hard on getting over you, the heartache of seeing you again and knowing that if not for those files you wouldn't give a shit about him."

"Alexis! Language!" Yep, he was being a parent, not defending her.

"That's not true. Of course I care about Castle."

Twin snorts responded to that remark, and Castle apparently had enough of the situation because he picked up the box and placed it in the corridor, and then holding the door made a clear gesture for her to leave.

"Castle, we need to talk-"

"My dad is asking you to leave. Do I need to call security? Because I will."

Faced with such anger, Kate decided that the best for her was to leave and try again later. As the door closed, she did not see Alexis hug her father in support and whisper.

"I'm proud of you daddy. I was afraid you'd just let her back in without any atonement and let her continue to walk all over you."

"I've learned better this summer."

What Kate hadn't known is that her absence, and moreover, her complete radio silence with Castle despite constantly texting the boys for updates in the case, had made several people who had put her in a pedestal before, think hard and long about all her actions over the last three years, not just three months.

* * *

"Why the hell would he think any of that? And what's up with Alexis?" she asked her friend. She had called Lanie to have a drink at the Old Haunt after the day she had. After leaving Castle's loft, she went home and immediately proceeded to go through the files and decided to go question the fireman who had signed off on a fire that had destroyed the bank records Castle was trying to follow. The fireman was being uncooperative. So she got on his face, a usual interrogation technique, nothing wrong with that. Except Captain Gates did not agree and suspended her after the guy reported her. Seriously! She had just come back and the Captain suspended her for 30 days. The boys were right. The Captain was a pain and was clearly jealous of her breaking the woman's record, and was being petty with Kate. She didn't forget Gates was the one to show Castle the request to terminate the partnership. Montgomery had made her write it, and she was pissed at Castle at the time. She wasn't being serious. Even as she wrote the request. She knew Montgomery wouldn't actually file the request. She wasn't expecting him to die and for the new Captain to go through his things.

"Very easily actually," Lanie said simply sipping at her drink from the other side of the booth. "The question is, why wouldn't he? And as for Alexis, she was spot on. You did go contact Castle only after you knew he had something you wanted. You didn't stop to consider for one second how much you hurt him. You only thought of yourself and didn't spare a microsecond to look anywhere farther than your navel."

"That's not true?"

"Really? If that were not true you would have left those files there to prove to him you didn't contact him solely for the files."

"That's my case. Those are my files!" she cried outraged.

"Which you could have asked one of the boys to pick them up after their shift, so you didn't hurt Castle even more than you already have. But that would require you actually thinking about anyone other than yourself and realizing that not hurting someone was more important than you getting what you wanted immediately. And well. Clearly that's not the case."

"What's wrong with you? You're supposed to be my friend!"

She was feeling as if she had come back to another dimension. Everyone was acting out of character. Castle was supposed to have followed her, come back to the precinct and worked on her case with her. The boys weren't supposed to be following the new Captain's orders above helping her with the off the books case. Alexis was supposed to respect her. The Captain was supposed to understand that Kate did her own thing, instead of punishing her and Lanie was her friend. She was supposed to listen to her and support her.

"But not you mine, right? You also ghosted me during the last three months. The only people you contacted were Javi and Kevin for the case. You didn't answer any of my texts or calls with more than a text with "I'm fine. I'll see you when I come back to work" after you left the hospital. I guess I shouldn't complain, that's a whole text more than what Castle got and unlike him, you did allow me to visit you in the hospital. But until you needed to rant about Castle, Alexis and your Captain, not a peep. And since we've sat here, not one, "Hey, how you've been? What's up with you? How did you recover from performing CPR on your best-friend and having her flatline twice while the man who loved her more than life kept begging her to live at your side, only to be assaulted by your boyfriend and accused of being responsible for the Captain's death and your shooting.

"Oh, right. That one wasn't just Josh, you did that too, right? See, the boys couldn't get Castle to take care of himself, he was running ragged working your case, even when no one else was, even after the Captain kicked him out and didn't stop until we staged an intervention. The boys, myself, Alexis, Martha, Bob, his writer friends, apparently they really care for Castle, they're not just poker buddies. Seems for all the ribbing they do on games, Castle has always been someone they could count on and who was always there for them even when they didn't ask him too. Not surprising, he's been like that since the very first case. Caring about a guy who he didn't know and who would have been railroaded by the police if not for him meddling. And even Gina and Paula where there. Let's just say it got really emotional, and not sleeping or eating, and being constantly anxious can make a person pretty messed up and revealing stuff he didn't mean to. Like his guilt. And when we tried to convince him, his proof that he was right was that you agreed with him. That you told him so. Yeah, going through all that with a friend and convincing him to start therapy can be pretty tough. Not that you care, after all. We're here to talk about you and only you right. That's what friendship is in your book."

Okay, she had not known any of that. She honestly had not thought of how her shooting may have affected anyone other than herself. But that didn't mean she didn't care. "That's not true, of course I care about what is going on with you, and Castle, and the boys."

"You have a pretty crappy way of showing it," Lanie huffed. "I've had a lot of time to think. Been going to therapy myself for the trauma, and I've realized, that it's always about you, about how you suffered, how you have tragedy in your life. Yeah, I get, you had something really bad happen to you. That doesn't give you the right to treat people like crap. You know, Javi's life sucked too. He grew up with a deadbeat dad. Castle's life wasn't all rosy either. Did you know Martha was practically kicked out of the family after she got pregnant? And as Castle said, it was a family of grifters and peddlers, so it's not like they had such a high moral ground to stand on, but they did. She was on her own and I found out this summer that there were many times when the two of them lived off a friend's couch, someone's car, the backroom of a theater. Did you know Castle doesn't just donate to shelters, he actually volunteers at some when he has time? He's had less time over the last three years."

Kate shook her head.

"Yeah, 'cause he doesn't do it for the recognition. He says he wants to give back the help he received. I remember when you were dating Tom, when you made sure to remind him how Tom worked with at risk youth, and how Josh saved lives. Usually asking how many lives he saved. I'd say he saved your life plenty of times, the entire city of New York. When you met Tom, Castle had been giving a lot of his time freely to the NYPD to bring closure to the families of victims and take dangerous people off the streets for two years already. And don't even say he was doing research! Castle had enough research to write a million books by the first month! And yet you always only point out his flaws."

"Since when have you joined his fan club?" Kate snapped.

"I haven't," Lanie shrugged taking another sip of her drink. "He isn't perfect. But I've seen him apologize and atone for his mistakes, for actually more than his mistakes. But discussing the last three years, I've realized a very ugly truth. All of us bully Castle on a pretty regular base, and you are the worst offender. Yeah, he used his connection to the mayor to get into your team. But I've seen you two from the start. You snap at him, but you also flirt with him. You give him an opening. You make him think there's a chance and then bam, you shut the door on his face. I'm pretty sure if you hadn't, if you hadn't flirted back, Castle wouldn't have come back after the first case. He's not some stalker kind who doesn't understand no. You've spent the last three years giving him mixed messages. One second you're not available and reject him, and the next you're pissed if he accepts that and tries to move on. Make up your mind already!"

Kate was getting furious, who did Lanie think she was to say all that to her? Kate was not like that, but something inside her knew that she couldn't really refute anything Lanie was saying, so instead she decided to snap back at what Lanie had said before. "You can't expect me to give up my mother's case for Castle. It's the most important thing in my life."

"Clearly, more important than anyone," Lanie nodded but Kate decided to plough on anyway.

"Expecting me to give up anything for a man is ridiculous."

"I wasn't expecting you to give up anything because you're a woman. I'd expect anyone to put the person they claim to love first, man or woman. A relationship doesn't work if both parties aren't willing to compromise. You might notice no one made a big deal about Castle giving up his childhood dream for you."

"He did it for the money. He didn't give up anything. "

"First off, if he wasn't volunteering so much of his time to the NYPD, he could have easily written both Nikki Heat and Bond. But secondly, and most importantly, like I said, after realizing I was no better than you, I decided to be better. Part of that was talking to Castle about him and not just me. He told me how Ian Flemming is the reason he decided to write, and he told me why he writes murder mysteries."

Kate snorted, "Yeah, he made something up for me too."

"Yeah, he tried that one, but I insisted. You know, kind of how he doesn't just give up on you when you're upset and tell him to mind his own business," she looked at Kate pointedly hoping to drive through the message that a relationship was a two way street. That she too had to show interest in him and his issues, just as he had shown for her.

"Really, then why?" Kate asked irritably.

Lanie looked at her pondering if she should tell Beckett. Castle had trusted her. But Beckett needed to understand that shit happens, and that it doesn't give you the right to treat other people like crap. What Castle went through as a child, and then not being able to confide in anyone for fear of reprisal, of his mother, his only family at the time, being hurt by the madman and even because by that age he had realized he had to take care of his mother. That she wasn't the most responsible person, and he had to be the one to make groceries were bought, and bills were paid, and all the other little things the adult in the family should have taken care of. Not to mention a constant fear of being taken away if social services found out how unfit Martha was at times. He loved his mother, and knew she loved him. She just wasn't all put together and he had to make sure things were running smoothly.

This summer, when Castle was in such a dark place, she realized how much the "Alexis raising herself" was a joke. Without Castle, the two women in his life were lost. A simple thing as breakfast not being ready in the morning for them was baffling. And yet, all that did not make Castle treat other people poorly. Quite the opposite, unless you bullied him **cough**Kate**cough**, he was always gentle and polite. He knew however how to give back and drive someone crazy. But that wasn't his default setting. That was a setting brought on as a defense mechanism. And she thought that maybe seeing how people could go through tragedy and not think themselves entitled to everything and to treat others badly would do Kate some good. So, she told her about Castle being 11 years-old and encountering his first serial killer and what she learned of his life during the summer.

"He was 11…"

"I'm pretty sure even if he was thirty, it would still have been traumatic."

"I didn't know."

"That's because he doesn't wear it like a badge that entitles him to anything."

"I-"

"That's exactly what you do. And until you realize that, you won't change. Also, in the giving up something department. I had a chat with Paula, I was curious. And she told me that the Bonds books were going to pay more. For your: he did it for the money. No, he chose you. Even while you spent that whole case rejecting him when he asked you what you thought, when he was practically asking you if you wanted him to stay or not."

"I didn't think-"

"Yeah, that's the problem. So, start thinking Kate. You have another month free to work on yourself. Do that."


	2. Trying to do better

**Chapter 2 – Trying to do better**

"Where are you going?"

"For crying out loud Beckett! What's wrong with you?" he cried with a hand over his heart. He had just exited his building and had not heard her approach.

"I was going to your place to talk with you when I saw you leaving. Where are you going?"

"None of your business," he huffed and turned around to continue walking towards the subway. She closed the gap walking beside him.

"Fair enough," she stayed quiet for a while. "I've been suspended."

"Ryan told me."

"You and Ryan seem to have gotten close."

He just shrugged. She knew they had. She had talked to Ryan. While Espo had been worried about Castle, he still seemed to believe that there was nothing wrong with the way Kate and they had treated Castle. Ryan and Lanie on the other hand, had been doing some soul searching. Lanie's epiphany apparently came from the shrink she was seeing. The OCME office and the Medical Board had made her go after she had worked on her friend. Something that doctor's shouldn't do for a reason. Apparently, they found out because her father, not Castle, had lodged a complaint to the Hospital and the Medical Board about Josh's behavior in the waiting room. Her father had not been shy about telling her how appalling he felt that behavior from a doctor was. First, he should have immediately passed the case to a different doctor seeing as he was her boyfriend. His emotional connection to her could have caused him to make a mistake and it was a miracle she didn't suffer from his conduct. But, he could grant there were extenuating circumstances such as her injuries being time sensitive and maybe him being the only doctor there at the moment. But what he could not accept at all was a doctor who went and assaulted a family member of the patient he had been working on regardless of if he was her boyfriend or not. According to him if the others hadn't interfered, Josh could have cause Castle real harm as the writer wasn't defending himself.

While she agreed wholeheartedly that Josh's behavior was deplorable, she also knew her father wasn't giving Josh any slack for emotional turmoil because he hadn't even known of Josh's existence up until he started beating Castle. She had never told her father about Josh, or Tom for that matter. As a matter of fact, over the last three years the only new 'man' Kate had mentioned to him was Castle, who featured in a lot of her stories. She didn't miss that her father had lumped Castle with her family and Josh on the complete and utter stranger slot. So, he had no qualms in lodging complaints. Those complaints meant an investigation on her entire care from the moment she got shot, which brought up the fact that Lanie had worked on her. And while Lanie didn't get reprimanded like Josh did – Lanie was the only doctor on site at the cemetery, while Josh was in a hospital full of doctors – the Medical Board did require she seek therapy for the trauma.

Josh had been suspended from the hospital for assaulting a client and for not immediately calling for another surgeon. Not to mention the heart surgeon who replaced him testified that he had to insist Josh release her care to him as Josh was refusing to do so. Josh had also been sent to mandatory counseling. But she only knew that because her father told her. After breaking up with the man, she didn't give him much thought, which she realized was a very big warning of how little the man had meant to her.

Ryan, on the other hand, seemed to have reached his conclusions while discussing the state of affairs with Jenny. Jenny had been at the funeral and she had gone with Ryan to the hospital, and had also been shocked at the doctor's behavior, because, apparently, much like her father, Jenny seemed not to know Kate had a boyfriend who wasn't Castle. So, Ryan had to go back and tell the story of all three years in detail, Jenny didn't accept him skimming on any part, which was when he realized how they had been pretty unfair to Castle on several occasions. Ryan told her that Jenny didn't understand why they invaded Castle's launch party and arrested him there when he was at most someone who could help them out, but definitely not a suspect, since there was no connection between him and the victim, or why they didn't ask Castle to put the gun down and explain himself before shooting or arresting him when he returned after the summer in the Hamptons. And Ryan had realized he had no good explanation for that other than he was following Beckett's and Espo's lead.

_"Talking to Jenny also made me realize how Castle's always been prompt to help us out and yet every time he has asked for help, we have charged him with tickets to a game, or use of the Ferrari. Even that time I helped him out with that mean girl Alexis was having problems with, he felt the need to give me a coffee before asking me. He probably thought I wouldn't do it for nothing, and the sad truth is that if the favor wasn't for Alexis, was for him, I would have probably asked for something._

_"When I wanted to propose to Jenny, he helped me out. Set me up with a guy he knows for the ring, and I'm pretty sure convinced the guy to give me a huge discount. He offered. I didn't have to ask. He heard me talking to Javi about how I was thinking of taking the next step and then suddenly he is pulling me aside and giving me a phone number and address and telling me to talk to Pablo, that he had already arranged things, I just had to give him my name. And when I got there, that's all I had to do. Pablo came up with the options. He already knew a lot about me and Jenny, Castle had told him. And he had perfect rings, and then kept asking me stuff about Jenny to continue narrowing down the choices. Castle did that. Without me asking, and without asking for anything in return. Jenny reminded me of that, and I was ashamed. So, I decided to do better."_

Kate had also decided to go back to the department therapist. During their talk at the Haunt, Lanie had not been sympathetic to Beckett's suspension stating the Captain was right. Beckett had no business investigating her own case. As a matter of fact, Lanie was of the opinion none of them should be investigating this particular case. They were all too close to the victim, her. She understood their reticence in giving the case to someone else because of the police corruptions aspect, but she had simply said.

_"Between you, Javi and Ryan you have been through enough training and departments to have someone you trust to give this case to. Not to mention the fact that with all his research, Castle probably knows people higher up than the NYPD to be able to conduct this investigation. You are all too emotionally involved and can't see when you are crossing the line. You had just had a fight with Castle and instead of trying to fix things, what did you do? Go and look over the files and investigate. The boys had already told you they had hit a dead end. Do you think so highly of yourself or lowly of the three of them that you think you would have found something they didn't by yourself? No, you've got blinders. This case is all you can see and you're plowing through with a bulldozer without any care in the world. That fireman was right. You had no right to attack him that way, and Captain Gates was right. If you can lose your head like that and not realize what you did wrong, think she is suspending you out of pettiness, then you are clearly not ready to be back on the field where you will have power over others. Where they need you at your best and being able to think of others to have their backs. I have a hypothetical for you, let's pretend this guy was guilty and he had his palls there with him. And Castle hadn't grown a backbone and had just followed you. Let's pretend while you were getting on this man's face, his buddies got to Castle. Would you have stopped trying to get answers to help Castle or would his life be an acceptable price to pay so long as you found out who the killer was?"_

_"Of course not!" she had cried._

_"And yet, despite the fact that this person has already proven to you how powerful they are. That they can get to someone inside a prison. That they can free their mercenaries from a courthouse full of security. That they can shoot a cop at another's cop's funeral with half the force there, you're ploughing on without an ounce of discretion. You are putting all our lives in danger, or do you think they will stop at you? That they won't take out, Castle, the boys, me – I have investigated this case, Dr. Murray. Anyone who's come close to this case. After the intervention, we all convinced Castle to put the case aside. Because he was as bad as you are, well, no, he at least listened to us. He was destroying himself trying to find whoever was behind this, and he was getting nowhere. And quite frankly, I think that's why we're all still alive. Because we are not a threat. Montgomery was a loose end – Javi told me," she put up a hand up to stop Kate's protest, "You were a warning. They could have gotten you at any moment and any time, but no, they wanted to make sure that those who were left behind understood how far they could reach. But threats. No, I am pretty sure that we are no threat to them right now. If we were. If we were anywhere close to getting to them, we'd all be dead."_

Kate had refuted the arguments at the time. She had insisted Lanie was exaggerating, that she knew what she was doing. But Mr. Smith and his call had pretty much said Lanie was spot on. And the fact that Mr. Smith had told her he had first called Castle, because Montgomery had warned him she wouldn't see reason and he didn't trust her not to put Montgomery's innocent family in danger by breaking the deal, and Castle had told him he had nothing to do with her anymore, drove the need to, as Lanie said, figure herself out down.

In all her self-imposed exile, when she kicked Castle out of the precinct for looking at her mother's case or when he went to the Hamptons, Kate had always had this feeling that those separations were not permanent. From the moment Castle yelled "You stay down" on the voodoo case, refusing to let Kate face danger alone, she realized she wanted him there – not that she would ever admit to that – and that he was there to stay. But when Mr. Smith told her he had first talked to Castle and Castle told him to take a hike, the fact that Castle truly believed this separation was permanent hit her hard and she could not let that happen.

So, she went back to Dr. Burke. And yes, she had only three sessions with him, but she was beginning to see, that maybe they were not all crazy. So, she had decided that she was the one who needed to do the work this time. Over the last three years, Castle had been the one doing all the work, staying even after she rejected him to his face while expecting him to stay inside her head. But now she had gone too far, and she needed to prove to him she wanted him, after spending three years proving the opposite with her actions and words. So, she came over.

"So, what have you been up to?" she asked trying to break the silence. They had walked to the subway and gotten on the train towards the Village and taken two empty seats next to each other. Why, she had no idea. "Rook and Nikki getting in too much trouble?"

He gave her an unimpressed look, "You'll have to wait to see if Rook lives like everyone else Detective." And while, three months ago, this would have been said in a playful tone, here he was dry, just telling her she wasn't getting any special treatment.

"Guess I will," she said trying to think of something to talk. God, talking to Castle was never this hard. Usually, the problem was the opposite, getting him to shut up. But here he was giving nothing back. She tried a bunch of small talk.

Alexis – fine, no elaboration.

Martha – fine.

The Old Haunt – fine.

Seriously, if he said fine one more time, she was going to have to start ripping her hair off. She was in the middle of trying to come up with something new when he just got up and walked to the exit. No warning, he clearly had waited for the train to stop and open the door to get up on purpose, so she'd have to scramble behind him. But she was fast, and he was not able to lose her. He gave her another unimpressed look followed by a huff. They walked in silence until they entered a building with an old ambience. The elevator was an old-timey one that looked like a cage and gave you a view of the floors and that you had to open and close the gate like door tight or the elevator wouldn't work. Apparently, Castle's manners wouldn't allow for him to start closing the door on her. She was surprised though when they got to a door with a glass window.

"Richard Castle Investigations?" she asked.

"Just because I can't work with you anymore doesn't mean I have to stop helping people. I got a PI license and am working on cases the police have given up on," he said defensively as he opened the door and walked in.

He was working cold cases? As a PI? All by himself?

"That's not safe."

"Excuse me?" he turned around in the reception area affronted. "Just because you think I am a buffoon doesn't mean I'm incompetent. I'll have you know that I went through training at the CIA for my research for Derek Storm, and I went through the police academy and the FBI training too. Just because I didn't want to graduate and become a cop, doesn't mean I didn't learn. I believe in authenticity through thorough research. Captain Montgomery and the Commissioner would have never allowed me to follow you if I wasn't qualified, no matter who I knew. Or do you think I learned to shoot a gun from someone else's hand by playing laser tag?"

"You said you were aiming for his head."

"I was joking! I'd never take a kill shot if I don't have too. What kind of person do you think I am?"

She hadn't known about Castle's training. And he was so impressionable. Getting spooked at little things. But now that she thought back, that was the point, he got spooked and screamed like a girl at little things, but when push came to shove and the situation was serious, he handled himself very well. She had never stopped to think about that and had always just focused on how inept she believed him to be.

"I, that's not what I meant. I mean, yes, that's a bit what I meant, but I was mostly thinking about you being alone. There's a reason cops work in pairs. No one goes out without a partner."

"You did before I came along?" he pointed out crossing his arms. He was right. She could never keep a partner and so Montgomery had gone against regulations and allowed her to fly solo. But he had been the first to refer to Castle as her partner, and had a few times mentioned how he was happy she was finally following regs. She had made fun of him that Castle wasn't regs compliant, except, to Montgomery he was, because Montgomery knew he was qualified.

"Why didn't you ever say something about your training?"

"Because I wanted to be respected for my contributions to the cases, my mind. Not the fact that I went to the academy like you did. I'm not a cop. I don't want to be a cop. But that doesn't mean I can't be useful and of value. No matter what you and Espo think."

"Of course we value you!"

Castle snorted again and Kate was tempted to ask him if he had a cold. But she remembered she was there to make peace, not antagonize, so instead she decided to inspect the office. Unlike the common areas of the building the office was modern. Castle had clearly remodeled. His office was huge, with a beautiful huge desk, shelves blanketing the wall behind the desk, a television much like the one he had at home, she bet this one was a smart board too, and a very comfortable looking set of chairs in front of the desk, and an L couch by the side of the office with a coffee table.

"This is nice," she commented.

"I intend for this to be a serious endeavor. It's not a hobby. So, I invested in everything," he said pulling at a book and having a door open. She couldn't help but smile, a secret room was so Castle.

"If a person locks it from inside you need to be biometrically programed as well as punch in a password to be able to open it," he showed her a small panel that opened too by the side. "The door won't open when you pull the book. Only the panel. It's reinforced steel, bullet proof and would take quite a bit of equipment to open. Walls, floor and ceiling have been covered by the steel. The room has ventilation that is not connected to the rest of the building's ventilation and is not big enough to use as an entry route. Electricity and the telephone line here are also independent so someone outside can't cut your means to call for help. I'm keeping the fridge stocked, and there's a fully functioning bathroom. It's also fireproof. Granted, if the building came down, being in this fireproof box won't save you, but it can at least buy you time for the fire department to reach you. That's the idea. To be able to safely wait for help here for however long you need. The servers are here too."

"You have servers?" gawking at another door that opened with the click of a button that looked like a light switch.

"Of course, I said I'm serious. I need servers to be able to store information on the cases, process video footage, run the face detection software. I've registered on all the services available for PIs to run searches! Got all the equipment needed for surveillance. I've contracted a lab for testing and even have one of those portable print scanners connected to the databases to be able to identify someone. And speaking of such, why did we always have to wait for Lanie to get the body back to the lab to run prints?"

"No budget for those," she mumbled inspecting everything.

"Yeah, as I've found out, no budget for a lot," he huffed.

Kate looked impressed and awed at the equipment she could inspect in the walk-in closet, she vaguely heard him explain how the closet had been a hidden safe with a lot of weird stuff he had sent into storage.

"I, sorry, it's just. You have a mini precinct here. No, actually a better equipped precinct here. I just – you caught me off guard."

"Easy to do when the expectations are so low."

She winced but couldn't really argue against his point. She had always let him think she thought very little of him. And yet, that couldn't be farther from the truth. She always marveled at how smart he was, how he could make connections from the smallest of clues. At his good heart, his generous character, his creativity and talent to weave stories that had her hooked from the first one. But how would he know that when all she ever mentioned to him him was how he annoyed her with his crazy theories or how she thought he was conceited and arrogant?

She came to realize, after thinking about what he had said the last time they spoke, and about the times he showed her his self-doubt when dealing with Alexis, that his arrogance was an act to hide the truth. The fact that he wasn't self-assured at all. That he thought very little of himself and that he believed himself not to be enough. She winced internally as she remembered how she told him he wasn't enough. Dr. Burke had asked her why she said that. Seeing as she went back to talk about Castle, he had been the main subject in their last few interactions and Dr. Burke had asked why she said that. Funniest kid in school who wasn't enough. Did she believe that?

She had been quick to say that no, of course not. He was more than enough. But Dr. Burke insisted that she must have had a reason, and after a lot of prodding, she realized that she said that to Castle because she knew not thinking he was good enough was an issue for Castle. He had mentioned to her about being bullied in school until he realized he could act as the funniest kid in school and have people laugh at him instead of hit him. How Damian Westlake was the first person to believe in Castle, that he was good enough, and even if he hadn't said the words, the fact that he thought he wasn't. That there had never been anyone to tell him he was good was implied and she understood well. She knew she did, because after that day she looked at Castle constantly telling Alexis how brilliant she was in another light. He never wanted his daughter to doubt herself, like he had. Because Martha, well, Kate knew she meant well, and before this discussion with Dr. Burke she had not thought twice of the actress's attitude towards her son, quite the opposite, had laughed and joined in, but Martha wasn't the encouraging type. Didn't tell him how proud she was of his virtues, only pointed out his flaws. Even flaws he didn't really have. And while the decision to poke at that wasn't conscious, she knew now that that was why she called him that. Because he was getting close to uncomfortable truths and she wanted to make him stop, so she shot at where she knew, without a doubt, she would hurt him. She had felt ashamed and Dr. Burke had told her.

_"The people we love and love us back are the ones we hurt the most, because they are the ones who we know better. Who allow us to see their vulnerabilities. Hurting someone in the heat of a fight doesn't make you a monster, makes you human. We all do that. What makes you a monster is not caring you hurt them. Not apologizing. Not trying your best not to do it again. From what I can tell, Mr. Castle loves you, and that is why you were able to hurt him so. He continuous to be hurt because you have acted as if you haven't hurt him. As if you hurting him doesn't matter, and you don't see anything wrong in what you did and will probably act in the same manner again. I have to say Kate. What he is doing is actually healthy."_

_"Giving up on me?"_

_Burke had smiled and said simply, "If he had given up on you, he wouldn't have even opened that door. Bothered telling you what the problem was. He'd just ignore you. He's hurt. He's going to keep his distance. As the one who hurt him, you are the one who needs to bridge the gap. You've mentioned how upset you were when he opened your mother's case. Did you have to go after him to make amends? Get your relationship back on track?"_

_"No," she shook her head. "I kicked him out, but he came back."_

_"And now it's your turn. He kicked you out because now he is the one who is hurt. And, from what you have said, he seems like a pretty smart guy, and he may have also come to the conclusion that if you don't care for someone, you just ignore them, so…since you ignored him."_

_"But I do care!"_

_"But people aren't mind readers. They interpret our actions and our words. And your actions and words are telling him you don't care about him, that you might actually resent him."_

_"That's not true," she tried to defend herself. She didn't resent Castle at all. He was her light, her rock in the middle of the storm. He was the person who chipped at her wall, little by little to show her she could be happy. Just the thought of him made her smile. Hearing his voice in the morning, made her day start. During her exile, she wanted to be alone, not to have to deal with other people, but she hadn't completely deprived herself of Castle. If she was having a bad day she would listen to old voicemails she had never had the heart to delete, google his interviews or read his books, with special attention to the dedications he had written when he had gifted her with his complete works after hers had perished in the fire. Only when discussing the situation with Dr. Burke, had she realized she had deprived Castle of whatever comfort she could provide, but had used these surrogates to continue getting comfort from him without having to deal with the live version._

_"And that's why we are here, to try to understand why your actions and words are telling people the opposite of what you feel. So, you can change that. But that is not an instant process and you need to give him something. You need time to heal, but so does he. You need to tell him why his interpretation is wrong."_

_"But I don't know why I did those things! I hear myself and I think that if I was in his shoes, I would have been gone a long time ago. So how the hell do I explain myself?"_

_"Why don't you tell him exactly that? You are still working on being better, but you have realized there is a problem. That simple fact. That you don't think what you did is ok, is going to go a really long way. I'm not saying that will solve the problems between you. You are not just going to tell him you are in therapy and suddenly, like magic, his anger will disappear, he'll forgive you immediately and kiss you passionately. No, that's, well, a pretty ridiculous thing to expect. Being in therapy doesn't excuse your behavior. But he will see that you are willing to work towards a better place for both of you. And maybe, you can eventually arrive to a point when he isn't angry at you anymore and you can start a relationship."_

"I'm sorry," she said to his glare. "You have every reason to believe I have low expectations of you. I've treated you horribly. And I have been terribly selfish. And I can't even explain why I acted like I did. And I can understand why you believe the things you told me, but you couldn't be further from the truth. I don't hate you. You're my best-friend, the person I always think of when something good or bad happens. To laugh with or just to see you get my favorite food to see if I feel less sad, or tell me a joke to break me from a bad mood. And…I never want you to not be in my life."

"Right, that's why you ghosted me," he huffed crossing his arms.

"No, because I didn't think I was kicking you out of my life. You were still in my life, you were just…I don't know, I had just put you away for a little while, but I was always going to come back."

"I'm not a toy Kate," he said annoyed. "You can't just put me away on a shelf and pick me up every time you want to play, and expect me to be there."

"I know," she nodded fervently. "And I realize now how selfish that was. And how I could have expressed myself better. Instead, instead I said mean things with the purpose of hurting you so you would leave, because I know otherwise you wouldn't, fully expecting you not to hold that against me when I came back and just go back to how things were without blinking.

"I could have explained that I needed to be alone. That it wasn't you. That of course I don't hate you or blame you for what happened. You tried to save me! You tried to take a bullet for me for crying out loud! How could I hate you? But I knew you blamed yourself. I could see it all over your face when you came in. The way you looked at me as if I would break and chew you off at the same time. So, I said what I said. Not consciously, not premeditated. Just, you know. That came out," she made a motion with her hand trying to simulate her verbal vomit. "Because I didn't know how to deal with you. When I woke up, I wanted to see you. I asked my dad to call you. When Josh found out I asked my dad to call you and not him, well, he was pissed. But I did. But then you were there, and I panicked, and I did what you told me I do. I ran, so fast, and hid. And not for a second thought about anyone else – no, that is not true. I thought of you, all the time. Of your laugh. Of how you would be appalled by something I was eating, or how you would have made me some food I wanted even before I asked. What I didn't think of was how my actions were affecting you or anyone else. I didn't stop to think that you were probably hurting. No, I only thought of you as I remembered you. Like I had frozen you in time and once I was done being alone, I would unfreeze you and you would continue from that spot."

"That's not realistic. We learn that people just don't freeze when we leave a room pretty early on in life."

"I know that now," she huffed. Well, maybe she hadn't developed that perception properly when she was a child. "And I am trying to be better. I don't know why I did that, but I am trying to figure that out. But I haven't, and I can't promise I won't screw up again. But I can promise it won't take everyone yelling at me for me to figure out I screwed up and try to make up for my screw up. I can promise you that I will not expect for you to just take whatever I dish, because you are right. I treated you horribly and punished you for not reading my mind last summer. How could you have known? And yet I expected you to and acted as if you had rejected me when I was the one who kept rejecting you. One thing no one can accuse you of is not making the fact that you are interested in me clear as day. I'm the one who has kept us in this holding pattern and expecting you to act as a monk, even while not expecting the same from me. I promise to do better."

"You promised to call in a couple of days," he said with a look that asked why he should expect this promise to be any different than that one.

She huffed, "Yeah, I did. I broke a promise. And I lied to you about not remembering, and I lied to you about working when I was going to a B&B with Tom, but you lied to me about Forbidden Planet!"

"Really?" he scoffed. His lack of surprise or reaction to her lie about what she remembered made her realize he already knew that she had lied to him. Had he known from the start or was that a recent conclusion? He had mentioned again that he loved her at the loft, and she hadn't acted as if the declaration was a surprise. So maybe that was when he realized she lied.

"Yeah, okay. Fine. They are not really comparable lies. But I've got a lot going on against me. I'm desperate," she tried for a little humor.

"You hurt me Kate," he said forcibly. Giving her one of the most serious looks he had ever given her. When he tried to convince her to backout he had looked hesitant, worried, afraid and then angry. But this was serious. Like he wanted to make sure he imparted the depth of his words, of his pain, with his look. "You have no idea in how much pain I was over this summer. I may not have been shot and have to recover physically, but that does not mean I was any less fucked up."

She startled at the swearing. Castle didn't swear. "I know. I mean, I know now. But you're right. I didn't before. I didn't just act, but I believed I was the only one suffering. The only one to lose my Captain. The only one who was affected by the shooting. Like Alexis and Lanie said, I was very self-centered. But I don't want to be that way anymore. But I need help for that Castle," she pleaded.

"When I went to tell my dad I had been suspended, and well, to my shock instead of cussing Gates he lectured me. He told me that despite the tragedy I suffered, I never stopped being that spoilt only child he and my mother made me into. I was upset he was badmouthing my mother, but he insisted that even they had realized how much they had spoiled me after I went to Vegas instead of coming home for Thanksgiving my freshman year, lying to them about studying. He said my mother was baffled at how I could think they wouldn't know since I used the credit cards they gave me. But I didn't even think about that at the time. Just that I wanted to go have fun instead of spending a holiday with all my aunts, and uncles and other family. Which I thought the epitome of boring at the time. He pointed out how proud I am that I worked as a model to pay for my bike, but how that's about the only thing they ever denied me. And instead of accepting their decision I went off, got a job on my looks that they did not approve of, because I needed something that paid well, and worked for the bike, not towards college tuition, or to a savings accounts for when I lived alone. No, towards the single thing my parents denied me because they worried about my safety.

"I remember you telling me how you told Alexis she had to come up with the money for her Vespa, and how in the end she had decided not to sell the lightsabers when she saw how sad the idea made you. Riding a motorcycle and working in the model world - you saw how that world can be - were two things that greatly displeased my parents, but I didn't bat an eyelash. I was used to the fact that if I wanted something, I got it. That I only had to think of my needs because anyone else's needs were my parents' problem. And my dad says I still am like that. That I never grew up and am still acting like that bratty teenager. Except I'm not a teenager anymore. That the only difference is that the indulgent parent became Montgomery instead of him, and that if I wasn't such a spoilt brat I would have apologized to the Captain instead of trying to convince people of how evil she is."

"You took care of your dad. You thought-"

But Kate was shaking her head. "I gave him an ultimatum. Told him I wouldn't see him anymore if he didn't clean up, and that I would file an injunction so he couldn't have access to our money anymore. My parents come from money, both of them. They both inherited enough that they could go several years without working without much problem. Then there is the fact that they were both lawyers. And while in later years my mom worked for a pro bono firm and she got paid less, she still had several years of a very good salary. As has my dad to this day. We were well off. Not super rich, but secure enough not to have to worry if the money is used wisely. I didn't need a scholarship for college. They had the money. When my mom died, she left us both trust funds. I threatened to declare him unfit, which I don't think I would have been able to. My dad was what you call a functional drunk. Even drinking he was able to do his job. And while he got pissed drunk all his free time, he never showed up smashed for work. Having drunk, yes. Even on the tipsy side. But not in a way that he would jeopardize his career and income. So, I don't really think how viable my idea was. But that's what I did. Stopped showing up for Sunday brunch and threatened to take away the money. Didn't take his calls either. I was in the process of moving apartments, so I didn't give him my new address, and he knew better than to show up at the precinct. Until my Aunt called telling me my dad had been sober for six months and wanted to talk to me, and that's when I started talking to him again. And while I know that was what he needed. He has told me so in several occasions. He needed someone to give him a hard shake, not indulge him. The same applies to me. He is right, I still, have never in my life have had to think of anyone but myself, and that shows. Usually not as much as this summer. This summer I managed to hit the jackpot on being selfish, but that shows. You even called me on that."

"I never called you selfish."

"You hide in those nowhere relationships," she saw Castle fidget uncomfortably. "You were right. A nowhere relationship doesn't require any effort on my part. I told you I liked keeping a foot out the door. That at first Josh's travels was what attracted me to him, because I didn't have to think about him when making my plans. If we were both available, great, we'd meet. But I would have never dreamt of saying no to drinks, or even laundry, just to spend a night with him. I went to LA and I didn't tell him. I didn't call him once. And he didn't expect me to call because that was the type of relationship we had. Lanie told me that any relationship to work needs compromises from both parties and she is right. If you enter a relationship already with the mindset that all that matters is 'me' and if I want it great, regardless of how that affects my partner, you are doomed to fail. And that is exactly how I have entered relationships and why you scare me so much."

"I scare you?" he looked doubtful. "I'm pretty sure you got that backwards."

She smiled at the reference that he was scared of her, but then shook her head. That had to change too. A healthy relationship cannot be based on the fear one partner has of the other. Fear of the other shouldn't be a factor at all. "Yes, I don't want to screw things up with you. I don't want to keep a foot out the door, but I don't know how to. I've just spent three months proving to you how I don't know how to take your needs into account."

"Yeah, and that sucked," he huffed.

"Exactly!"

"I'm not following," he looked at her confused. "You agree with me that that's wrong and yet you want me to shove it under the rug?"

"No! I expect you to call me on my shit so that I can stop doing it! Like you did."

"You're crazy!"

"I know, but so are you! And I need my Yang, and you need your Ying. So, don't give up on us yet. You need to give me a little time to prove to you that I deserve a second chance."

Castle inhaled deeply and walked out of the secret room. He booted up his computer and grabbed a file from his drawers. He was puttering around, and she couldn't help herself.

"Er-"

"I need to think!" he answered sharply. "I can't just flip a switch," he motioned with his hand as if lighting a switch. "I'm upset, and hurt, and quite frankly I don't trust much of what you said. So, you need to give me time. I'm not just going to bounce back and be my bubbly-self ten seconds after you gave me a speech. So here," he said shoving the file he was handling towards her.

"What-"

"You clearly don't have anything to do. And I'm in the middle of a case. I don't trust you Kate. But I do trust your detective skills. And two minds are always better than one. If for no other reason than bouncing off ideas. So, grab a seat and start working."

She smiled, "So, we get to work together again?"

He looked at her with the same impassive look. "Yes, work. And just that. No banter, no small talk. Work."

"Okay," she'd take whatever she could get, and she was bored. She had promised herself not to look into her mother's case. She had boxed her window murder board and had shoved the file to the back of the closet. She was going to prove to everyone, herself included, that she could let go. Later she'd try to talk to the boys and Castle about finding someone trustworthy to take the case forward. But for now, the case was closed.

"How much are you paying me?"

"You'll get the same salary I did from the NYPD."

"They didn't pay you."

"I knew you were smart," he said simply opening his own folder and sitting on his chair.


	3. Avoiding a bad future

**Chapter 3 – Avoiding a bad future**

They managed to close the case. Wasn't a happy closure. The police had given up saying the man had left his wife of his own free will. That there was no evidence of foul play, not to mention the fact that he had a history of being a playboy and not keeping a stable job. They figured he had just gotten bored with the married life after a couple of months, and all they had to go about his disappearance was his wife's insistence that he wouldn't do that.

After months of nothing, the wife had heard that Castle had opened a PI firm and was working cases that the police had filed as cold or where the police couldn't act. She was a part of a few support groups and someone there, who had an abusive ex-partner, who was stalking them, had pretty much been told by the police that until something happened, they couldn't do anything. Castle had contacted them after saying that one of the policemen they had talked to had contacted him.

Castle had gone to the police stations to leave his contact in case someone needed his services. And the news that Gates had let him go and he was working solo had spread like wildfire through the force. There were a few precincts who had offered a fixed position as a consultant, having noticed how the closure rates at the 12th had gone up when he joined, but something in him had stopped him from taking those offers. He was, however, getting information from many detectives and even patrol officers about cases where their hands were tied. This was one of them. And he had helped this person to actually prove the ex-partner's violent tendencies as well as their stalking. And with that proof and the help of Jim Beckett's law firm, this person had managed to get a restraining order, which the ex-partner violated, giving the police something to act on and be able to arrest the ex-partner before a tragedy occurred.

Having heard how Castle helped on that case, the wife had contacted him and told him the story fully expecting to be turned around because of her husband's past actions. Before he met her. Because they hadn't been married for more than a few months, despite the fact that they had been together for years and that he had his current job for as long as he'd known her, having met her there. But being someone who is judged by his image, even by people who knew him, who'd seen him grow, this case touched him, he could see that happening to him. People not putting in the effort to find him because of ancient history. So, he had been working relentlessly. Interviewing anyone who could have even the vaguest connection to the victim and his wife. Retracing his steps not only of the day, but months before.

Beckett lending a new set of eyes helped them break the case. Reviewing records he had gone over again and again, she noticed that the same car had parked on the garage the husband used every day for the month before the abduction. And while that wouldn't be anything strange, the garage had several regulars, and new monthly clients came all the time, that same car stopped using the garage after the husband disappeared. So, they started following the trail that that car left and were met with a horrible discovery.

The wife had been right. The husband had grown. Had changed and would have never left her. He had been the victim of a madman. A serial killer who was careful to kidnap men with exactly that profile. Someone the police would write off as having left on their own, but who had turned around. Part of him got off on the fact that regardless of how they had changed, the police still went by what they once were. He tortured his victims for 48 hours and then killed them. Another thing that excited him, the fact that because of the police's 48 hours rule to even start looking for an adult, they would never find a victim alive, even if they didn't drop the case. The man had managed to kill several men throughout the span of five years, and if Castle hadn't taken the case, would have probably continued undisturbed for more years.

He had just abducted a victim when Castle and Beckett had found him. The man procured victims who the police wouldn't look after, he stalked to know the best time to abduct them, to know their history to be able to taunt them, he made sure to abduct them out of the view of people or cameras, he properly disposed of the bodies so they wouldn't be found, but that was the extent of his precautions. He actually took them to his own house to torture and kill them and used his own car, didn't even change the plates. That was how sure he was no one would bother with these victims.

But when Castle and Beckett showed up to interview him, he had panicked and had been very fidgety, giving contradictory responses as to why he stopped using the services of the garage and if he had ever seen the victim. He had clearly tried very hard to get rid of Castle and Beckett. Castle and Beckett had caught him arriving home, so he hadn't had the opportunity to move his victim from his trunk to his home. He wanted them gone and the duo wondered why. So, they pretended to leave but came back and staked out the house for the rest of the evening and night. And their wait paid off. When all the lights on the very few other houses of the street had gone off, the man had come out to move his victim. Witnessing the fact, Castle and Beckett acted swiftly getting off the car and stopping the man on his way to the house. Beckett immobilized him and cuffed him, calling it in.

The lawyer the man had called tried to use the fact that Beckett was suspended to invalidate the arrest, but Beckett pointed out that she and Castle executed a citizen's arrest seeing as the man was manhandling the victim in a public area and did not search his house or home until the police arrived. In the house they found souvenirs. The man had kept the wallets of all his victims, all matching missing persons files. CSU had found evidence of blood in the basement of the house as well as DNA evidence which would later match the missing persons files.

And while Castle was happy he had prevented another death, he had gone with a heavy heart to his client's house to give her the news that her husband was among the man's victims and was unfortunately dead.

On the ride back home, Castle had been deep in thought about all the ways this could have been prevented. He couldn't help but feel that things could have been different had the police not focused so much on the victim's ancient history but on his recent one. How all those men could have been saved if not for the 48 hours rule. He always thought that rule was idiotic. Everyone knows that in any case the first few hours are crucial for evidence not to disappear. A family member knows someone's routine. They're not going to report their loved ones missing because they are ten minutes late. No, they are going to report when the behavior is abnormal. When someone who is always punctual is over two hours late and can't be found. He gets that there will be bad apples, people who are hysterical and will report their loved one missing even when they are just a little late, but he can't believe there would be so many of those cases that would warrant wasting the first 48 hours of legitimate cases. Especially nowadays, when people are constantly connected and checking in with someone is so easy, and therefore, not being able to do that with someone who always answers is concerning.

He believes that for the cases of people who often wonder around without saying where they are going (his mother), who don't answer their phone when their concerned loved one calls to know if they are alive (his mother), said loved one is going to be used to that behavior and won't call the police just because the person is a few hours late. He never had, because he knew his mother often takes a flight of fancy and does not report in. But if she was missing more than a day, he would. He believes common sense would deter false reports more than the 48 hours rule does. So, the pros of the rule do not surpass the really serious con of wasting time. And this case was proof of that. Of course, that wasn't the only, or even the main reason this case got to him. His musings were interrupted by:

"This case really bothered you."

He looked to his side where Kate was sitting on the subway. She had complained that they did most of their sleuthing on the subway. Actually, if he was being accurate, they did most of their sleuthing at the office, since what they were doing was reviewing footage and documents Castle had gathered from his previous sleuthing. But, once they left the office, they used the subway to get around. When she had pointed out they could use his car, he had answered sarcastically.

"Sure, if you want to spend most of your time stuck in traffic. I don't have that nifty siren you have to be able to cut through traffic. The subway is faster."

After that she hadn't complained any more. Because yes, he had managed to get all the latest gadgets, but there were certain perks to which he did not have access without the NYPD and she was getting a little taste of investigating without the power behind a badge. Granted, there were also advantages, they didn't have to limit themselves to probable cause and all other things that were properly there to prevent police abuse. That was why he always thought their partnership worked better, with him not being a cop. They could get the best of both worlds.

He contemplated not answering. The answer was pretty private, and he wasn't even close to not wanting to yell at her every time he looked at her. Which was so confusing since there was an equal part of him who wanted to hug her and never let go. A part who had been glad he'd been able to spend the day with her. Who had missed her. And a part who was relieved to see her, and most importantly that other people were seeing her too, since he had been woken by one of those vivid nightmares where she died, extremely early this morning. The only thing that had kept him in his room, instead of maybe going to the office or even accessing the server from his home office, was the fact he didn't want to worry Alexis and his mother. So, he had stayed in his room reading a book and keeping an ear out to make sure neither one ventured downstairs at ungodly hours and found him awake. But when he finally thought that the hour was appropriate to venture out, made breakfast for everyone, saw Alexis and his mother out to school (though different kinds) and left, he still had that horrible feeling his nightmare was true even if his brain was telling him that Kate had survived. So, he hadn't fought her presence all that much even if he wasn't making friends. Was unusually quiet when not talking about the case. Did not make a single joke or even brought her coffee. He was being firm, but he was also glad. Because her presence was making the horrible feeling he woke up with go away.

But here she was asking something personal, and he was angry. But then he thought that today, without much prompting and the usual pulling of teeth, she had volunteered a lot of personal information. So maybe she was changing. He'd use the approach wait and see, but he wouldn't withhold information either.

He had always answered her for the most part. Well, except that time she asked why he wrote. He hadn't felt she really wanted to know. She had been super skeptic about his analysis of the victim's art until he was proven right. And she didn't really take him seriously then. That day in Hollander's Wood still ranked very high as one of the most traumatic experiences of his life, even after three years of working with the police and dirty bombs. As a matter of fact, the only thing that had outranked that day was Kate's shooting. His complete and utter helplessness as he saw her losing the fight. That now ranked second, Hollander's Wood third and thinking he lost Alexis first. That would always be first. Nothing terrified him more than something happening to his baby.

But back then, there wasn't really anything else that came even close to that day and he didn't want her making fun of him. Dismissing his trauma, and he believed she would. While he had seen her be compassionate to the victims' families, she hadn't shown that compassion towards him at all in the time they had known each other, and had always dismissed and ridiculed his concerns. So, no, back then he didn't trust her at all with the truth.

But that had changed with time. Especially during the last year despite the constant presence of Dr. Motorcycle Boy. Had she asked again before all the tragedy stroke, he would have told her without hesitation. But now he was hesitating, because she went and treated his feelings like they didn't matter again. But just this morning she said that was wrong and she wanted to change that. He was confused. Should he trust her? Or would she revert back? He decided to go with his love, instead of his gut or brain which were both screaming at him not to open up. That if she didn't open up, why should he?

"That could have easily been me."

"Castle, no."

"Really? You are telling me that if I disappeared right after we got married, or worse, right as we were about to get married your instinct and that of the NYPD, even the NYPD who has known me, wouldn't be to say I got cold feet? I left of my own volition?"

"Of course not," she insisted.

He sighed again, "Don't answer what you think you should answer. Really think about it. This morning you told me you don't know why you act the way you do, but I do. You still don't trust me. I've been here for three years. Yes, I went on exactly three dates, had a one-night stand, one deep fried twinkie and a misguided relationship with my ex-wife. But here is the thing, and that you know. Because you were there, and I wasn't shy of talking about what I was doing. Meredith, we had known each other for just a little over a month, a month in which you kept telling me you had no interest in me. So why wouldn't I be with someone who wanted to be with me? That's the part you know. The part you don't know is that this arrangement with Meredith, that if we were both single, we'd have sex, began when she showed up a year after I caught her with her director in our bed, she packed her stuff, moved and served me with divorce papers, saying she wanted to see Alexis. Mind you, that was the first time she offered, despite my many calls to ask her to see Alexis, and expected to have sex with me. I refused. Next thing I know I'm being served with custody papers. A custody she had not contested, quite the opposite, had practically given to me, during our divorce proceedings. When I confronted her, she was clear: Do what I want, and I won't challenge your custody. My lawyer had also been clear, the court is always biased towards the mother. She'd have to be a mass murdered, in jail, for the court not to favor her. Things have been getting better in that regard, but this was 15 years ago. So, I managed to strike the deal, so long as we were single. I was clear I wouldn't cheat. I guess she didn't like the dig because she went all "Of course, I wouldn't dream of cheating." Yeah, right. I'm pretty sure the director was the only one I actually witnessed, not the only one."

"I didn't know. That's horrible. That's…Castle, that's sexual harassment, abuse," she said horrified.

He snorted, "Yeah, at the time I pointed that out to my lawyer and he very calmly told me I would have a hard time getting anyone, much less a judge, to agree to that. After all, I'm the man and she's the woman. He didn't say that to be mean or even because he thought that was right. He was being honest with my chances. But you didn't know that. You never bothered to ask. You just assumed I was at fault for my divorces."

"That's-" but he stopped her with a look. He didn't want to have to fess up to the fact Lanie had confessed Beckett had told her on more than one occasion he had two divorces under his belt so he clearly couldn't be trusted, and since he was the one with two divorces, he had to be the one at fault.

"I know you think I can't have a serious relationship because I am divorced twice. But you never stopped to wonder, that it's not my inability to keep a relationship, or the fact that I am fleeting and will most assuredly cheat that is the reason that I have two divorces, but that I didn't give up on finding someone to spend the rest of my life with after my first divorce. Because, a family, someone to share my life and who will share their life with me, someone who I can count on and who can count on me, that's all I want. You told me you wanted that. But here I am offering, being the person you share your life with, who you can count on, and yet, you won't give me that chance.

"But let's first continue examining my 'crimes'," he said to stop her protests. He wanted to get all of this out and he didn't trust himself to do so if he was stopped. "Regardless of if Meredith was blackmailing me or not. And quite frankly, by that point I had long decided to just enjoy. Meredith is really good in bed. We were not together, and you had told me repeatedly how you didn't want to have anything to do with me. Yet, you hold that against me. Then there was Ms. number. When the subject came up during the investigation, I point blank asked you if you didn't think I should go out with her, hoping you'd say 'No because you're mine' and you told me to go for it. And so I did, and apparently that is another proof I can't be trusted in a relationship, even though we are conveniently forgetting that you went out with that fireman, and that in between Meredith and Ms. Number you had a relationship with your ex. Shouldn't that count for me as proof that you can't be trusted in a relationship?"

"No," she cried indignantly.

"Why? Because you are the woman and I am the man? My reputation can't be the reason because you yourself confessed to me, twice now, that you didn't do serious relationships. One foot out the door. But somehow that is okay from you but not from me?" he finished slowly.

"I, yes, I don't know, when you put it that way it seems ridiculous. But yes, I thought that."

"Exactly, so, let's go ahead. I don't pursue things with Ms. Number because you seemed pretty upset and I figured that may have meant you were interested in me. Months go by and your apartment blows up. You move in. Things are great, you get along with my mother, my daughter, seriously the only thing missing from our relationship there was the sex. But then, out of nowhere you move out to Lanie's. Why? I have no idea. If you had found an apartment, okay, but you hadn't. When we had the case with the dead stripper you still didn't have an apartment. Even though you hadn't invited me over, so I couldn't be 100% certain you were still living at Lanie's, you asked for a brochure because your apartment had blown up. So, you suddenly up and leave when we are getting closer. To me that spells once again rejection. So of course, when Ellie Monroe seemed interested, I liked the attention. At least someone was interested in me. And let's face it, not a week later you were all over Demming. But no, that once again doesn't count right? No, my crime is horrible and to be held against me forever. But you and Demming should be completely forgotten, right?" he paused for effect, but Beckett was looking at him as if he was talking about things that never happened. As if she had never stopped to consider things this way.

"Then for the next month you and Demming made out in the precinct - you'll notice I've always tried to keep my make out sessions outside the precinct, and before you mention Natalie, we're getting there - and you threw me out of interrogations, you started back to treating me like crap and dismissing and making fun of all my contributions, as if we hadn't evolved at all in the two years we'd known each other. No, we were right back there on the Tisdale case. And that's another one- but not for now. You saying nothing when Demming made fun of me, quite the opposite, joining in, laughing. Espo even joined in. I felt like shit. I thought you guys had come to see me as part of the team."

"Of course you are-"

"You had even told me to stay when I offered to leave. But then," he continued over her interruption, "you started acting once again as if I was a burden, and not just you. The boys too. Like Demming was the new fourth member of the team and there was no place for me. But I toughened up and told myself it was a phase, wouldn't last more than a few days. A month went by and the phase was just getting stronger and stronger. During that phase we met Maddie and I agreed to go out with her platonically. Because I wanted to know more about you. I think I even said that while accepting the dinner. Right in front of you. That the date was platonic was also repeated when I picked her up, that there was no way I'd have anything with your childhood friend, I just wanted to learn more about you. And she said she wouldn't try anything either. She knew I was taken. I tried explaining that no, after all, you were with Demming. But she wouldn't listen. You were the subject of the dinner. Maddie telling me of your teenage years, and me telling stories of you as a cop. But somehow, that dinner also proves I can't be trusted. That I am an incorrigible womanizer. The fact that you were having a candlelight dinner with Demming at the precinct, once again, completely dismissed. But I am a moron. I admit to that."

"No, you are not. You are really smart."

"Not emotionally I'm not. What do they say? The more IQ you have, the dumber you are for relationships. So, I guess I prove that right. Because no, I stay, and continue to be subjected to the fact that you and the boys now seem to prefer Demming and have no time for my theories. I mean, the next case we had, that once again Demming joined in, except this time officially. You have no idea how many times I had to talk myself into not just walking out, the rejection I was getting. And guess what, in the end, I was right. And granted, Demming was too. But you could have, I don't know, given us both the benefit of the doubt and listened to both our theories, equally. But no, after all, I'm not a cop, right? What do I know? But once again, moron here shows up like a good puppy who is kicked and comes back for more. I invite you to my beach house, twice. Even though you and Demming have been dating. I convince myself I am not going against my principles of not cheating or encouraging cheating because you haven't said anything about you guys being serious. I delude myself that you just went in a couple of dates and doing some very heavy flirting and kissing in the precinct, but you're not exclusive. So, I try again. And you reject me, again. Twice. Tell me you have to work. So, I convince myself I still have a chance. You have to work. You're not rejecting me. But then I find out, no, you don't have to work and in fact you are rejecting me in lieu of getting pretty serious with Demming. A weekend together, especially with the image you like everyone to have of you, of a serious woman who doesn't do casual, is very serious. Back then you hadn't told me about the foot out the door. You just had disparaged me as someone amoral for dating and told me you were a 'one and done' type of person. So, a weekend together is 'I'll probably marry him' serious. So, I pick up all the pieces of my broken heart and retreat. Decide to leave for the summer, not really sure if I shouldn't stay away. You are still treating me like I'm on the way after all, like you'd be happier if I wasn't there. So why not grant you your wish?"

"That's not true. Of course, I wouldn't be happier if you weren't there," she said and her tone was somewhat desperate. As if she wanted him to forget everything he was saying, but he couldn't. He needed her to understand his side. He had tried to understand her side ever since they met. As a matter of fact, they had both acted as if her side was all that mattered and that had to change.

"How would I know that when you are acting and talking as if you would?" he asks simply and she doesn't answer. Just stares at him. "That night I happened to talk to Gina. I was feeling pretty shitty, and I was going to be alone for the summer, something I hate. I purposely schedule my book tours for when Alexis is with Meredith, so I won't be alone and won't miss any of Alexis's life. But that summer, instead of doing all the things we had planned on the summer, Alexis changed the plans at the last minute and my mother got a part. I was thrilled for them but for me that spelled a very crappy summer. So, when Gina and I managed a civil conversation and she mentioned having nothing to do for Memorial Weekend, I invited her and told her she could stay at the house for as long as she wanted. Summering in the Hamptons is a very popular choice for most writers, and I knew from when we were married, Gina would have a lot of work in the Hamptons. Would probably spend the summer back and forth. So, why not? I extended to her the same invitation I gave you. No funny business. Especially since she had a boyfriend at the time.

"Midsummer she broke up with her boyfriend. One day we were both at home, had too much to drink and thought getting back together would be a great way to mend our broken hearts. Wasn't. But by then I thought you and Demming had probably moved in together, and yes, I know you didn't, that you were going to say yes and broke up with him. But I can't read minds. You could have told me even with Gina showing up. And yes, she may have been a bit catty towards you, but I had spent the previous night telling her all about my broken heart and you and Demming. She had insisted. Said she wanted to know why I was having trouble writing. So, she might not have been your biggest fan. But, you know, you could have said: 'Hey, Castle, why don't we go over there to the break room so I can finish telling you what I want to tell you' instead of saying 'Have a good summer.' How was I supposed to know that was code for 'Dump Gina and lets cavort in the Hamptons'."

"Cavort?"

"Is as ridiculous as you expecting me to read your mind and know you weren't with Demming anymore. And that once again was a crime to be forever held against me. Worst, was a Capital crime, worthy of the death penalty. Because even though at that time I had convinced myself not to go back to the precinct, by the end of summer I missed you so much I had decided I was going back after my book tour. But Maya called, and I went to see her because she was really spooked. And I find someone I knew dead, and sorry, my reactions wasn't the best seeing as I was in shock, and I picked up the gun when I heard a noise. But you guys didn't give me a second to react, to explain, no Ryan was shooting me, and you arrested me. Did you know that according to CSU the only reason Ryan didn't hit me is because I was bending down to drop the gun? Because that was my reaction to seeing you, despite the fact that you were all pointing your guns at me and shooting at me. My reaction was relief. That lasted all of a microsecond by the way." He saw her wince, good. "And you could have asked me what was going on before cuffing me and dragging me to interrogation, considering you knew me enough to know there had to be an explanation. Even after I explained, our time together seemed to not have warranted even a "Are you okay after finding the body of someone you know?" or an offer of tea," he flapped his arms helplessly. He honestly couldn't understand their actions, even after rationalizing them. They were supposed to be his friends. "Granted, now I know that my being arrested and shot at wasn't because of me being found with a dead body but leaving with Gina. If I had shown up at the precinct with coffee and doughnuts for everyone the reaction would have been the same."

"No, that's not- I mean – not the shooting and arresting, you didn't call."

He looked at her frowning, seriously? "I didn't say I was going to call. I said 'see you in the fall'. Not 'I'll call you in a couple of days'. And what was wrong with your fingers that none of you were able to call or text? Once again, unlike you, I didn't extract a promise from anyone to not contact me until I contacted them."

"Again, that seems all very rational now," she said turning to avoid bumping on a child. They had long ago disembarked the train and were walking towards the PI office. Their conversation keeping them on autopilot. "But then, I, well. I thought only of how you made me feel not how you could have been feeling."

"Yeah, I've come to realize that," he snorted derisively. "And back then, I realized you were upset I hadn't called and, even baffled at the fact that you could have called yourself, I did my best to atone for my 'sin' of having self-respect. Not much, clearly. Or I would have lodged a formal complaint instead of trying to be the best partner ever so you would forgive me. So, again, we are working together. I'm contemplating ending things with Gina because there was a chance with you. You weren't with Demming anymore, except here comes Josh out of nowhere, implying you'd been together for quite some time and that has me wondering if you dumped Demming for Josh. So once again, I think I need to give Gina and I a chance because there is clearly no chance between you and me. Well, that doesn't work. I break up with Gina. But, right before I break up with Gina, Natalie shows up. And that is the proof concrete that you believe I don't take relationships seriously because you actually thought I'd cheat on Gina with Natalie. I am accosted by Natalie on the elevator. Once again, had I been a woman and she a man, she'd have been arrested, but no, I'm a man, so it's all very funny, right?" he saw her shake her head but he was sure that at the time her problem was with his imagined actions and not with Natalie's real ones. "Then you decide I slept with her and one more strike against me even after both Natalie and I confirm we did not in fact sleep together, regardless of how much she tried. And she did, a lot. But I rebuffed her. And while I get the strike if I had cheated on Gina, I don't get why you were entitled to act as the injured party in Gina's stead seeing as you were in a relationship with Josh at the time. Then over the next few months we keep getting closer, sometimes you act as if you want something more, make me wonder if you are about to tell me "I dumped Josh, all I want is you." But no, the next second, Josh is there. During the dirty bomb case that actually happened three times. The tent, where I was a second away from pointing out that all that you were saying you wanted you already had with me, and Montgomery interrupted us. In the freezer I could swear you were going to tell me you loved me, and I wake up to find Josh on my face and you telling me you had a chance."

"He wasn't really pleased that the first thing out of your mouth was calling for me."

"He shouldn't worry about who I was calling but you," he looks at her waiting to see if she is going to say Josh was also upset because she called him and when she doesn't, he nods. "Yeah, didn't think so. Then we stop the bomb, and we hug. And that's after having kissed just a few weeks before, and I know that was supposed to be a cover. Under normal circumstances I wouldn't have kissed you. Like I said, I don't cheat or encourage cheating. But those weren't normal circumstances and that kiss did mean a lot. I'd been waiting since then to talk to you about the kiss, but you wouldn't allow me. I thought maybe you were struggling with ending things with Josh, so I waited. But you weren't, quite the opposite, you and Josh were getting stronger, you were giving the relationship a foot inside the door chance. After all that, when I was summoning up courage to say I loved you and beg for a chance, Josh shows up and I feel like an asshole. You wouldn't be giving the relationship with Josh a chance if you had feelings for me, not after all that. So, I convinced myself my feelings were one sided and I left. And then when I finally do have the guts to tell you, and I'll grant you that the timing sucked, you pretend not to remember and tell me you'd even rather not remember. You could have said so many things, you could have reminded me you had a boyfriend, told me you didn't have feelings for me-"

"But I do," he so wanted to believe that. That she wasn't saying that because he was suddenly the toy she couldn't have. But he wasn't ready to believe her yet.

"Or that you had to figure things out, end things with Josh first, asked for time. But no, you decided to pretend I never said anything and to disappear. Not trust me to help you in your time of need. Because you don't. Because you hold all those instances against me as proof that I am untrustworthy. That I am not worthy of a serious relationship, you still do. Tell me you don't still think right now that if you start something with me, I'm going to bolt. Not you. Despite the fact that you've had three relationships during the time we've known each other and that you were the one to end them. Or that you admitted to those not being serious relationships. Because after all, your dating history is not permissible here, only mine. And only the parts that fit your image of me. Your narrative. Be honest. Don't say what you think I want to hear or what you would like to feel. Be honest," he said looking straight at her after having closed the door to the PI office.

And she didn't hesitate, "Yes, okay. I do! And you're right. It's ridiculous that I do once you explain things so neatly. And that I indeed only think about the things you've done and that I have stacked them on a con list and haven't once examined what I have done. But that's my point. I want to examine all that. I want to know that deep fried Twinkie sex is because Meredith blackmailed you, and understand and accept that you leaving with Gina, even Ellie Monroe, are reactions to my rejecting you. But that is going to take time, and therapy, and talks like this one."

"Okay, so let's do it," he nodded and she looked at him befuddled.

"What?"

"Couples therapy."

"We're not a couple."

"So, friends therapy," he shrugged putting his hands inside his pockets. He was emotionally exhausted. "Whatever. If we start a relationship like this, continue this completely unbalanced thing where any minor infraction from me is a Capital crime, while anything you do is to be immediately dismissed and not discussed, we are going to end up like our victim. Except for me, even my wife won't believe I didn't leave of my own volition. If I ever got found you'd probably treat me like a suspect, making me have to prove to you with actual physical evidence that I didn't just dump you. My history with you wouldn't matter at all. Only this skewed view you have of me and what you know from Page 6. Not actually what you really know from me. Because you've never asked about my dating before I met you. While I'm no monk, and neither are you, I can guarantee you that I've dated around a lot less than Page 6 would have you believe."

"Of course I'd believe you," she said automatically and he saw she wanted to believe that but he didn't believe that at all. Not after spending the last three months examining every interaction they ever had.

"I wish I had a time machine here to go check, because I'd make a really big bet on that and I would win. I'd guarantee 10 generations worth of money."

"First off, you're not getting kidnapped, you're not allowed to. So, stop saying that," he shrugged, but he got she didn't like to imagine that. He didn't like to imagine her getting hurt either, and he actually had something to base his imagination on. "Okay, fine. I can't guarantee I wouldn't, and I can see why you would think I would. I don't know. I am in therapy. But I'm not the most receptive of patients. I don't know how I would work having to talk with you there."

"You don't need to nor should you give up your therapy. I'm not giving up my therapy. Without him I would have probably just accepted whatever bull excuse you gave me and continued to just hope things would get better and wait forever, and if we did get together, I would have been forever fearful of you leaving at the slightest hiccup and then I'd be begging you to come back and then going back to being terrified of what would happen if I actually asked my feelings to matter. Me saying all this, telling you all this, comes after two months of seeing my therapist almost every day. That's how screwed up I was. As a matter of fact, because of the break in this case I had to reschedule with him, but tomorrow I'll be there."

"I didn't know. I didn't see you call him."

"I texted him. But my point is Kate: We can't just shove everything under the rug. Today, and what we've talked isn't going to fix things magically. I'm not willing yet to open my heart to you again. I need time, you need time, and we both need work, as individuals and, as a couple or friends, or whatever we are. I'm willing to put in the work. I can ask my therapist for a referral or you can ask yours. But you have to be willing too, Kate. You have to be open to hearing what I have to say and to change. Just like I have to be open to do the same. This right here," he said making a round motion with his finger to indicate them. "Isn't easy for me. Before my therapy, like I said, I would have avoided a confrontation like the plague and just swallowed my feelings and that wouldn't have been good for either of us. That would allow the status quo to be maintained and for both of us to continue to be stuck. But if we are not open to change, if all we're going to do is deny what the other is saying and not even be willing to contemplate that there may be something wrong, then we might as well save our money. Think about it. Discuss the idea with you therapist, your dad, Lanie, whoever you want. And if what you told me today is true, and you really want to put the work, I'm in."

"Okay," she nodded.

"I need to go home. Make breakfast for the girls and see if I can catch some sleep before coming back here to write the report on the case."

"You are going to do paperwork?" she teased, and he shrugged.

"The prosecution might need my notes. They need to be properly done. I've been doing that for all other cases."

"I can look them over. I have years of paperwork experience. I know what the lawyers need on cases. Make sure you put everything down."

"If you want to, once I'm done, I'll triage for a new case. I have a lot of files that were sent to me for a look. But I try not to stay too late. Today was an exception, but Alexis didn't deal well with the shooting, she's scared something will happen to me. So, I try to be home for dinner. My therapy is scheduled for right before actually. Kind of a way to force me to stop…er, I may have had trouble stopping when I was investigating your case."

"I heard. That seems like a good idea."

"I'll stay if a case really needs me to, like today. But as my therapist pointed out, this are mostly cold cases, the time when forgoing the hours you take to sleep and recharge would have made a difference are long gone. So, I try hard not to forgo them."

"You don't have to defend your actions Castle. You're right. Montgomery often scolded me saying that a tired detective does the victim no good. That I'd just miss important stuff and having worked more hours won't make up for that. So being rested and alert was much better, but what can I say. I had no life, and like you said, in the beginning those hours can matter. But I ended up staying even if I didn't have to. If there was nothing I could do till morning. Your idea has merit. Maybe if I didn't revolve my life completely around my police work, I'd have a better perspective, and wouldn't run head long with blinders as a good friend pointed out recently."

"Lanie?"

"Yes."

Castle nodded. Lanie had been much more approachable lately. Much more interested in being his friend and less abrasive. Even apologized for past behavior. But she was still Lanie and didn't hold back her words.

"Well, if you're interested, I'll see you this afternoon. For work. Like today."

"Will I get paid?"

"I called for lunch, we even had dinner at the precinct."

"You didn't give me coffee."

"Coffee is different. Coffee is special and I am not ready for Coffee yet," he shook his head. Coffee was his way of saying I love you to her when he wasn't allowed to. He wasn't ready to be that vulnerable in front of her again yet.

"Okay, I'll come help you for food."

"I'm not getting paid either, you know? Haven't had a paying client yet."

"What about the woman today?"

"I'm not going to charge her! Her husband is dead!"

Kate sighed.

"And that is awful, but I am pretty sure she intended for you to charge her when she came looking for you. How do you intend to pay for all your expenses?"

"I had expenses when I worked for the NYPD," he deadpanned.

"I know but-"

"I actually do have a business plan but that requires I have more experience and reputation as a PI. Your dad pointed out that every good law firm has at least a few PI firms on retainer. I've been working with your dad's firm on my pro bono cases. Once I get the evidence, I take the client to them so they can do the legal work required. They are seeing my work. Your dad thinks they might want to put me on retainer soon. And then other firms will follow. You know, I have been managing and growing the money I make from my books for almost two decades. The Old Haunt is actually bringing in money and will break even soon if I continue this way. I own my building and several others which bring me quite a sum from rents. I'm not a complete moron when doing businesses."

"I didn't mean to imply. It's just – you're a good guy, with a good heart. I just don't want you to go bankrupt trying to help others," she said, and he was kind of touched at her concern.

"I won't. I am very careful with my money. I want to make sure Alexis will never have to go through what I did. I don't spend more than I can on anything, even charity and I have a pretty good saving funds to make sure we would be able to live comfortably for the rest of our lives even if I didn't make a new penny. That's all very well calculated. Trust me."

"I do."

* * *

"So, you're back working together?" came the huffed question from the other side of the bench. Castle looked at his daughter from the other side of the kitchen isle cautiously and responded.

"Not exactly. She showed up and apologized. We talked about the stuff that happened and how she hurt me. She wants to change. And she's been suspended, and I needed the help for that case. Safety isn't the only reason police detectives don't work solo. It's the same reason I have an editor. When you read something many times, or when you write something ,our brain kind of fill in the gaps of things that we know should be there and we don't see mistakes. So, I need someone to go over my work to correct what I'm not seeing anymore. The same goes for detective work. Each person reads a report, sees a video footage and sees different things. I'd gone over that material so many times, my brain already knew what to expect. Kate hadn't, so she picked up on something I hadn't picked up."

"But you did most of the work. You collected all that evidence. You thought of interviewing everyone and getting records even from his parking garage."

He leaned over the isle inching closer to her and said softly. "I'm not dismissing my work. Or saying Kate solved the case alone. I'm admitting I needed help. She told me herself she wouldn't have thought of getting such comprehensive records of the parking garage, that she would have asked just for the day of the abduction and therefore wouldn't have seen the pattern of a car that had started using the garage for only a month and stopped the same day. Our work is teamwork. We both bring different perspectives. She brings the perspective of someone who works backwards, from the conclusion of the act, the murdered victim, to how the act was done. As a mystery writer I always work the other way around, from the conception of the crime to the execution."

"Like the killer," Alexis smirked.

"Except I keep my murders to the pages. Pays better and I avoid all that hassle of prison," and he was glad to see Alexis smile. He knew she wasn't happy.

"Have you forgiven her?"

He sighed deeply and shook his head. "No, not yet. I don't trust she's not going to this again. It's like how our relationship started, I had to prove myself because she had a preconceived image of me."

"But that image wasn't true whereas she did what she did. It's not an unsubstantiated rumor," Alexis protested.

"No," he conceded. "You're right. I hadn't done anything to Kate to warrant the treatment she gave me from the get-go. Barging into my party that way and dragging me to interrogation. I didn't even have any connection to the victim. But at the same time, she didn't know me. When the person who hurt you is someone you know. Well, it hurts more, but at the same time it's harder to just cut them off your life."

"Because you love her."

"Yes," he said. "Expecting to live a life where the people who love you will never hurt you is not realistic. We're human, we screw up. People deserve second chances. They deserve to make up for the wrong they did to you. And they can't do that if you don't give them a chance. And she is trying to make up for that. She is putting the work. I can see that. If she wasn't. If she still saw nothing wrong with what she did," he shrugged his shoulders, "then, yes. There's no use in giving a second chance. But that's not the case here."

"I've never hurt you! I never would!"

"Oh sweetie," he picked up her hands and kissed them gently. "You have and you will. Just like I have hurt you. Granted. It's not been anything big yet. Not trusting your violin teacher, or violating your privacy."

"Even if your actions were misguided, I know you had good intentions. And you promised not to that again," Alexis said simply.

"Exactly. And she is trying not to hurt me again. And I want to give her another chance. Like you said, I love her. That hasn't stopped. But I'm also not going to let her, us, just go on like before. I am not letting her walk all over me, like you fear."

Alexis pursed her lips and nodded, "Fine. But I don't have to like her."

"To be honest I don't like Ashley," Castle shrugged.

"Dad!"

"What? No one can honestly want a man to like his baby's boyfriend. That's just not possible. He is a horrible fiend who is stealing my baby! But I treat him properly, don't I?"

"After you stopped pointing a gun at him."

"That was an accident!"

"When did I hurt you?"

"Uh?" that came out of nowhere.

"You said I have already hurt you."

"Oh, so many times," he sighed. "There was the first day of school, when I left you there, fully expecting you to be in tears from being away from me for so long. I was. And yet, when I went to pick you up you were super excited and happy and couldn't wait to go back the next day."

"Dad!"

"And of course. There was that awful, awful day you just decided to rip my heart out of my chest, stomp on it, and run it over with your bicycle for good measure."

"I don't remember doing that. What day was that?"

"Was a horrible day, 7 years, 9 months and 12 days ago."

"You know how many days?"

"I have an app, and I'll never forget that date," he swiped his eyes.

"What did I do?"

"You called me dad!" he cried desperately.

"I called you dad? How is that a bad thing?" she looked at him unconvinced. As if she thought he was having her on. And while he did want to lighten the mood before she left for school, and was exaggerating a bit. That day had been indeed a horrible shock to his system about how his little girl wouldn't be dependent on him forever and would start to want to do things on her own.

"Instead of daddy! You said you were too old to call me daddy! That your friends stopped calling their dads daddy years before, and I asked you if your friends jumped off a cliff if you would too, and you did not understand my metaphor. I cried my heart out that day. And that was the beginning of the end. Next thing I know there is the "I'm old enough to take the subway alone, you don't have to take me to school" and "I'm going out with a boy you're not the most important man in my life anymore" and "I'm going to Stanford and abandoning you without so much as a goodbye dad." It's horrible. Mother said I was exaggerating. But she also had me call her mother instead of mom because it's more dignified, so what does she know."

Alexis leaned forward and kissed his cheek, "You're ridiculous daddy. Just because I'm growing up doesn't mean I don't love you the same. I have school."

"See, that's what I'm talking about? When you were a baby you cried if we were separated, you didn't skip off the stool like that," he said at the retreating back of his daughter who blew him a kiss before closing the door.

"That's what you get for dedicating the best decades of your life to a woman," he huffed while picking up the plates.


	4. Moving Forward

**Chapter 4 – Moving Forward**

The rest of the week had passed without much excitement. Kate showed up at the PI firm at the time Rick let her know he'd be there and together they worked a case much in the same way they had worked the first one. Professionally. They were both good detectives, so the work was good. But that easy flow between the two was missing. Silences were deafening for both of them. For Kate because she didn't know how to make things better and for Rick because every instinct he had towards Kate screamed he should just let his hurt feelings go and be happy she was there with him, but his logic and his discussions with his therapist said that if he wanted them to have a chance he had to be strong. He couldn't just go back to normal without some work. Finally, towards the end of the week, Kate brought the subject up again.

"I thought about what you said, the counselling. I talked it over with Dr. Burke."

Rick looked up from the file and across his desk to where she was sitting and held his breath. This was what he was waiting for. This was a moment that would tell him if they had a chance or not.

"And I think you're right. He offered up some names."

"Dr. Wyatt did too."

Kate nodded and Rick waited for her to continue. He had thought of asking Dr. Wyatt if they couldn't do some kind of joint therapy, with him and Kate's therapist working together to make things easier for Kate. So she wouldn't have to come to trust yet a new person. But his mother was actually the one who had given him some sound advice on that regard when he voiced his idea.

_"If the two of you were already a couple and you had had your therapists for a long time, I'd say that was a good idea. Because you were trying to work out a relationship that is already there. But you are trying to see if there will ever be a chance to a relationship with Katherine here. You are trying to build up a base for something completely new. And while it's to work on what would be a life that encompasses both of you, it's also important to maintain some kind of individual life separate. You work with her, you write about her and now you two want to embark on a personal life together. Couples also need to have something that is separate to be healthy. Something that is of each of the person alone, and I'm afraid that if you start by mixing something that is so personal, and more importantly, so important to each one of you to be able to survive if this romantic relationship doesn't work, you won't have that healthy separation. Not only that but your therapist, your support system will be tainted by that relationship. But all these relationships are new. Your romantic one, your relationship with Dr. Wyatt, hers with Dr. Burke. You are all learning to trust each other. So, it's not like her bond with Dr. Burke is so solid. It's just that you are trying to save her from having to learn to trust two people instead of one. And considering you believe trust is her biggest problem, wouldn't learning to trust more people be beneficial to Katherine?"_

He had thought that over and he agreed with his mother. Kate had a serious problem letting new people in and using her therapist would be enabling her not to face that problem.

"That's good. Maybe we could see both lists and choose one that is located somewhere that is good for both of us."

He smiled at that. He didn't know if she noticed, but he did. She was thinking about what would be convenient for both of them, not just herself. He wasn't deluding himself, he knew the road ahead was still long, but he took this as a victory, as a step forward.

In the end they decided for one that was in both lists, instead of choosing by a convenient location, with the reasoning that if both their therapists had offered this person up, then this person must be good for both of them.

* * *

"Dad, you look fine! Seriously! You've already tried on your entire closet!" Alexis cried as Rick was about to turn back to his closet to get a different shirt, maybe pants too. He looked up as a horrible thought crossed his mind.

"I should have bought something new! Maybe there is still time-"

"No there isn't!" Alexis huffed walking towards him with the jacket. "You look great. That shirt really brings out your eyes and those pants are too tight for my taste which means Beckett will love them."

"I just want to look perfect, this is our first date," he said excitedly. This was important. He had asked her out on a date after the whole tiger debacle. When she had gone back to the precinct, he had offered his services once again to Captain Gates. Kate had explained to Gates that she had never meant for Montgomery to go through with the termination of the partnership. That she understood now Montgomery had spoiled her horribly, she just didn't inform Gates of the reason she believed he did so, and that she was used to being able to give temper tantrums like that to him that he would wait and see. She also explained that she now understood she had been wrong. Gates had in turn nodded and said she was glad that her suspension had served to make Kate see what she had already suspected from Kate's jacket.

_"My comment on the fact that I kept an eye on you was exactly because the personnel file I had, read as blatant favoritism. There is clear potential there, but I know for a fact Montgomery greased the wheels for you to become a detective before you were ready. Mature enough for the responsibility. But I can also see you have a good mind for the job. My intention was to help you mature. I hope from now on you will be more responsible."_

She had accepted Rick back without much fuss and without him having to pull the big guns. A poker night later let Rick know Gates had been reprimanded by the brass for sending away a good, and very importantly, free asset such as Castle. Her dropping solve rates proof of that. But Gates was still a hard ass who thought only cops could do detective work. So, even though she accepted him back, she made the fact she didn't trust him clear. Rick shrugged that off. With time she'd realize his worth, though he had made himself clear that he would be available when cases required his help but he was still going to keep the PI business, so not to expect the same level of availability he had offered in the past. Gates had to accept that, after all, she was part of the reason he had gone off and opened a PI firm.

But the road here hadn't been easy, there had been a lot of talking with the therapists, both together and individually. Tears, fights, and apologies. To him, the biggest proof that Kate was indeed growing up and accepting that her life wasn't just hers, was when she asked for his help during a case with a sniper. Old Kate would have shut off from him. This Kate didn't just open up to him about the PTSD episodes, but allowed him to comfort her. Spent the night at the loft with him as he pointed out all the loft's security measures and how, with her father's blessing and help, he had payed to change all the glasses on her windows to bulletproof glass while she was at the cabin. Kate had been shocked that she hadn't noticed the difference and her first reaction had been anger towards Rick and her father, but Rick hadn't let her go on and asked her pointedly.

_"Would you have let me do it if you'd known? This wasn't for you Kate. This was for your father's and mine peace of mind. So we could move forward from our trauma."_

That had given her pause and after thinking it over she thanked him, though she wished he'd told her before. He conceded that if they had been on talking terms at the time he probably would have asked her.

In addition to telling him, she also told Gates how the case was affecting her and accepted when Gates told her she would be doing desk work for this case.

To Rick, those actions, showed him she was ready to try something. That she'd be able to think of them and not just her. They were still working, and they would continue to work on themselves, but he also knew they couldn't wait forever. And they both wanted this. Kate had smiled and kissed him tenderly when accepting the date. That was their third kiss. The first was their undercover one, the second was the night she spent at the loft, right before Rick had tucked her into bed in the guestroom. And today, he might even get luckier, not that he'd say anything to his observing mother and daughter as he straightened his jacket and walked out the door. No. Today, he was taking her out and the rest the future would tell.

**The end**

A/N: Thanks for reading and reviewing


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